Spontaneous, PERVERTEDLY Spontaneous - V

Have you ever driven across the Midwest? Well, Kiwi and I hit up Chicago prob once a month and we always take the notorious I-94. I don’t know WHY or whether it’s even true, but I-94 is supposedly one of the most dangerous highways. Since it is a pathway connecting Detroit and Chicago, it becomes a route for a shit ton of fleeting shady businesses. I don’t see that. I do, however, see a shit ton of annoying ass semi-trucks swerving, staring at us innocent Asian chicks and flicking cigs out their windows. Burger Kings at exits 34a, 36b, 40c, and 42d. The scary as hell “Children of the Corn” fields for what seems like 100 miles. The “are we there yet?” 200+ miles to go, then the “we’re almost there!” exit numbers going down, but of course the numbers go back up, ass holes. But it is LIONS DEN – the adult SUPERSTORE – that REALLY caught my fancy.

I imagine horny ass truckers, driving 36 hours through the Midwest. Having to change radio stations every 50 miles. Hip Hop. NPR. Country. Stick with County. Jam to country. Stare at cuties that pass. Smile. Get flicked off. Smoke cigs. Eat Burger King. Wipe the grease off with a flannel sleeve. And all of a sudden, notice the HUGE neon YELLOW billboard. LIONS DEN. HOLY CRAP HORNY! Time for a pit stop.

I thought they had private viewing rooms where truckers just watched pornos for 30 mins and jerked off…

Kiwi and I faced our fear of stereotypical horny white trash and took the enticing Exit 69 - the wayward abyss that is LIONS DEN.

I could go into further detail, but honestly, it wasn’t that bad…. It was just like Lover’s Lane with a lot more porn. But I will say this, when I saw “ASIAN TREAT & DARK MEAT” I laughed my ass off and tried to convince Kiwi to buy it.

But she didn’t.

Lips,
V